The G-Men are characters in the Milkman Conspiracy. Although they are technically not enemies, they act as the main obstacles of the world. They are identical, trenchcoat-wearing humanoids who monitor the neighborhood, searching for the Milkman.
They "disguise" themselves by holding different objects and stating what they are supposed to be disguised as. Humorously, they often use these objects in ways that show they clearly have no idea how they're supposed to be used, such as swinging a bouquet of flowers like a golf club or trying to play a plunger as though it is a trumpet.
If Razputin Aquato walks into the zones they are standing in (marked by dotted yellow lines) while not wearing the correct disguise then Razputin will be apprehended and interrogated by the G-Men. He will only have a few seconds to escape (unless, disguised or not, he attacks them, or he tries to enter the area the G-Men is guarding) should he step into these areas.
If Raz uses Clairvoyance on them, he appears as a black figure covered in question marks. By holding the various disguises, Raz transforms into whatever the G-Men are pretending to be and you can see how they see themselves this way.
The G-Men have a variety of disguises (which are only objects that they hold). Raz can hold these objects to sneak through the zones that the G-Men block.
- Signs (Road Crew worker)
- Hedge Clippers (Hedge-trimmers)
- Rolling Pins (Chef/Obsessed housewife)
- Watering Cans (Gardener)
- Flowers (Widow)
- Plungers (Sewer worker)
- Phones (Phone line mechanic)
- Rifles (Assassin)
- Helicopter Pilot Helmets (Only Raz is ever seen holding one of these)
- Nothing (Only when you get to the post office and type the wrong password and appears in the 2 final cutscenes of Boyd's Mind.)
- The G-Men are all voiced by Steven Jay Blum, who also did the voice for Tiger in Black Velvetopia.
- G-Men are not to be confused with G-Man, a character from the Half-Life series of games.
- As seen in the final cutscene of Boyd's mind, it's likely that the G-Men may be working with the Censors to eradicate the Rainbow Squirts and Den Mother (and possibly the Milkman).
- Their name is revealed by using the bacon and asking Cruller about the current situation while at the post office entrance.
- Their design bears a striking resemblance to that of the shadow on Neighborhood Watch signs.
- They have a Facebook page of their own.
- "Hello, fellow road crew worker. Welcome to the road crew."
- "Yes, we are all on the road crew. Our backs are killing us."
- "Look at that woman's breasts; they're large."
- "The road is out, and we are working on it."
- "Caution, men working."
- "Dangerous conditions ahead."
- "No pedestrian traffic allowed."
- "My red sign helps me work on the road."
- "It is very hot here working on the road."
- "No ped X-ing."
- "Not a thru street."
- "Slow to 15 miles per hour."
- "Being on a road crew is arduous but rewarding."
- "Thank goodness it is Friday."
- "I can't wait until the next payday."
- "Sorry, road crew only."
- "You are not on the road crew!"
Hedge Trimmer G-MenEdit
- "Hedges become unruly over time, and need to be trimmed."
- "I'm glad you are here to help us trim these hedges."
- "Cutting the bush does not hurt it."
- "This part of the hedge is too tall."
- "These are my hedge trimmers. They help me maintain my hedge."
- "I take pride in my well landscaped yard."
- "My good landscaping adds to the property value of the entire neighborhood."
- "I take frequent breaks to avoid carpal tunnel syndrome."
- "I cannot let someone near my hedges who has not been properly trained in the use of the trimmers."
- "The hedge area is only for those who trim hedges!"
- "I am fixing the telephone lines."
- "This is my job. To work on the phone lines."
- "Hello? Is there anyone on the line?"
- "Come work on the phone lines with us."
- "I can climb telephone poles."
- "Is there anyone on the line?"
- "I can listen to any phone conversation that I want, but do not because of my sense of professional responsibility."
- "Testing... testing... 1, 2, 3."
- "The introduction of mobile phones will one day make my job obsolete."
- "Please stay back. There is a severe electrocution danger."
- "Only phone line companies can approach the pole!"
- "Hello is this John Cena"
Watering Can G-MenEdit
- "I am watering."
- "Water is important."
- "Without water, these plants would die."
- "This is my watering can, I use it on the plants to water them."
- "I enjoy watering."
- "It is a good day for watering plants."
- "That is a fine watering can. May I ask how much you paid for it?"
- "Plants need water to be poured on them, because they have no hands to hold glasses of water."
- "Unless you have water for my plants, we have no use for you here."
- "You can't fool us! You have no water!"
Rolling Pin G-MenEdit
- "Hello, welcome to my house. Please stay and make pie."
- "I am making a pie."
- "Rhubarb is a controversial pie flavor."
- "This rolling pin is a tool I use to make pies."
- "Apple pie is quite popular."
- "Pies are delicious."
- "It is important not to use too much pressure when rolling out a pie crust."
- "Children and adults both like to eat pies."
- (in response to "I am baking a pie" from Raz) "You'd better not try and steal my husband. Tramp."
- "When my husband drinks excessively, I may threaten him with this rolling pin, although we are still very much in love."
- "This is my house and I am responsible for its upkeep."
- "For the last several years I have relied on prescription medication to make it through the days."
- "Although over time my husband will desire me less sexually, he will always enjoy my pies."
- "Pie crusts should be rolled outwards from the center."
- "Though I do not receive a paycheck, I consider my homemaking to be my occupation."
- "Cherry is a type of pie."
- "This is my home. Not grand central station. Get out!"
- "Stop. This is a restricted area. Get out of my house!"
- "I am a grieving widow."
- "I am your sister in grief."
- "Why. God. Why."
- "I am alone now and grieving."
- "I can see that you are grieving. I will give you your space."
- "I wish my loved one had remembered to indicate me as the beneficiary of his 401k plan."
- "I wish my loved one was not dead, but alive."
- "I do not know if I should remarry or remain faithful to my spouse?"
- "The dead people are underground, and I have brought flowers because I am sad."
- "I am a sad widow."
- "The cemetery is filled with dead people."
- "I am sad."
- "Sorry, we widows are busy grieving in here."
- "You have no flowers."
- "We work in the sewers."
- "Hello, sewer worker. I think I met you at the union meeting."
- "Sewers carry human waste."
- "The sewer is very important and we are responsible for its upkeep."
- "I am a waste management technician."
- "I need to prevent blockages and this device is one of my tools."
- "Sewers are full of rats."
- "The most pleasant sewers can be found in Paris, France."
- "This job is unsavory but it must be performed by someone."
- "Although I often smell of excrement, I deserve your respect because I provide a valuable service."
- "There are no documented cases of alligators found alive in sewers."
- "Due to improper disposal of contaminants, sewer water is often radioactive."
- "The sewer is not safe for civilians and they smell very bad."
- "Sewer workers only!"
- "Helicopters can go up and down."
- "Helicopters move sideways too, but not as fast as planes."
- "I am a helicopter pilot."
- "I like to fly helicopters."
- "We are looking for the Milkman. We don't know where he is."
- "I am an assassin."
- "Watch out, fellow assassin. Someone is shooting at us from that tower."
- "I am in charge of assassinating important figures."
- "I kill not out of passion, but for money."
- "My motives are clear only to myself."
- "Beware, fellow assassin. There is someone shooting at us from the book depository."
- "I am found on rooftops, in clock towers, and book depositories."
- "My gun is clean."
- "This is my gun."
- "I like to shoot people."
- "Sometimes I work for the government."
- "Adjustments need to be made when firing in the wind."
- "Ha ha! Do you not realize that we are deadly assassins? Are you not afraid?"
- "Assassins and their invited guests only!"
- "Who are you?"
- "Why are you here?"
- "Are you aware you're being followed?"
- "Who do you think you're fooling?"
- "Did you take anything?"
- "Who do you work for?"
- "Where were you born?"
- "How old are you?"
- "What's your favorite color?"
- "How many fingers am I holding up?"
- "Did you burn down the department store?"
- "Why did you burn that bush?"
- "Why are you wearing gloves?"
- "What is the purpose of the goggles?"
- "What happened inside that house?"
- "Why did you punch that little girl?"
- "Are you addicted to getting arrested?"
- "How much are they paying you?"
- "How long have you been working for the dairy industry?"
- "Where did you get the red sign?"
- "Do you look down on sewer workers?"
- "Why did you want to get in the sewers?"
- "What were you doing in the cemetery?"
- "Are you a grieving widow?"
- "Where are your flowers?"
- "What did you find in the mausoleum?"
- "How did you move that trash can?"
- "What is your relation to Cooper?"
- "What was in Cooper's fridge?"
- "Are you or have you ever been a member of the Rainbow Squirts?"
- "What did the Rainbow Squirt tell you?"
- "What's in the milk?"
- "Why are you looking for the Milkman?"
- "Do you serve the Milkman?"
- "What is the Milkman's location?"
- "What is the mission of the Milkman?"
- "What's the Milkman like? Is he nice in person?"
- "Who is the Milkman?"
- "We know who's paying you."
- (If you step inside their squares while invisible) "Please, sir. We have infrared vision."
- (If you set a G-man on fire outside the line) "I am on fire. I am uncomfortable. Initiating countermeasures."
- (If you hit or pick up a G-man with Telekinesis outside the line) "Why don't you come in here and do that, tough guy?"
- (Tickle a G-man with crow feather) "Please do not do that."
- (If you tell someone you are a sewer worker) "Ew. That is a gross job. I would never let you date my daughter."
- (If you tell someone you are an assassin) "You are a cold-blooded killer, but it takes all kinds to make a world."
- (If you tell someone you are a road crew worker) "There is no use for road work here."
- (If you tell someone you are a hedge trimmer) "Why don't you go do that then, somewhere else."
- (If you tell someone you are a telephone worker) "You should be over there working on the phone lines."
- (If you tell someone you are making a pie) "I hope it is rhubarb. It is my favorite."
- (If you tell someone you are making a pie) "I like all pies except for rhubarb. Do you know that rhubarb is poisonous in large quanities?"
- (If you tell someone you are a grieving widow) "I am sorry for your loss."
- (If you tell someone you are watering) "That is a fine vocation. You should practice it near some flowers."
If Razputin hits one of the G-men with confusion, their heads hover above their bodies and they say a line based on what item they hold and then the line they all use when the confusion wears off. This cannot be discovered except by cheating because all the G-men are dead by the time Razputin obtains the confusion merit badge.
- (sign) "What am I doing out here with this strange paddle in my hand?"
- (phone) "Who is this? Why did you call me?"
- (hedge trimmers) "Why am I trimming hedges? I pay a gardener good money to do this for me."
- (rolling pin) "What's this? I hate pie!"
- (flowers) "What am I doing in a grave? Am I dead?"
- (plunger) "What am I doing in this smelly sewer? Disgusting!"
- (rifle) "Oh my god. Why do I have a gun in my hand? I hope I didn't kill again."
- (watering can) "Okay, I have to think. Does this watering can and I have a history?"
- "I should be out trying to find the Milkman! Oh yeah. That's right. Disguise. Ahem."